Monday, February 4, 2013

Escaping the clutches of routine

Anthony Iozzo sits in his workstation contemplating the future
and his power to mold it into what he pleases.
Waiting for coffee, I sit and plan my workday.

It is going to be many hours until I am back at my workstation, but music blares in my headphones and ideas come out on paper – lyrics, notes, thoughts; both internal and external waves.

This is not like every other Monday, however. Something is different. Yes. There will be coffee or tea. Yes. There will be writing and page design. Yes. There will be cold and snow on this February day. Yes. From a far, everything seems normal, routine. But it isn't. I'm not.

Sometimes depression leads to drama, anger, fear. Sometimes it leads to lost friends, lost love, lost humanity. Sitting alone in a basement, in the dark, isn't exactly the medicine to cure those feelings, those truths.

And talking isn't always the best. Random e-mails and texts usually push people away, and the goal of gaining a simple smile becomes quicksand as the sadness engulfs me, pushes me downward – a struggle to get free.

Today is a Monday where I am not like this, but last week was a week when I was. And just like before, I alienated and annoyed and drove wedges into relationships of people I care about.

But the day after, when I am free of the sad sand, when I am back to reality, it is a time of regret and of planning for a way to reconcile and make right. This only lasts a while. I continue to be myself, and I am happy again.

This time, this odd day, there is no regret. I am just happy.

Maybe it was the eventful weekend of concerts, random conversations, phone numbers, best friends, beer brewing, music creation and bourbon in a glass, always full. However, that wasn't something totally new.

I have had many weekends of fun and adventure, maybe with different additions and transitions but they existed through dark days and through bright ones nonetheless. So why then am I feeling different today? Why is there no regret of being clingy to a concept of nothingness?

The answer hits me like the hot water in the shower that bursts out and makes me turn it cold as the scalding droplets tingle my skin. Realization. Truth.

I have been against routines my entire 27-year life, and I always will be. But the truth is that my cycles of ups and downs have become routine. That is why people might be alienated or annoyed. That is why this day is different.

I broke the routine. I have no regrets because the past cannot be changed, altered maybe, but not changed. However, the future can be molded. The future can be painted, sculpted, written with positivity and happiness and love.

I am endless possibilities. So are you. Everyone reading this and everyone that isn't. Together, we hold the future in our clutches. We are the designers. We are our own gods. It is us who can turn the past into something better and new.

Today, I am not only happy, but I am breaking a routine. This time I learn from the past. This time I break free of the quicksand for good.

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